


Hate Me

by softuris



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parents Maggie & Wentworth Tozier, Break Up, Eddie Has Issues, Eddie Kaspbrak Doesn't Love Himself, M/M, Minor Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Minor Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, richie has issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-04-05 00:18:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 10,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14032017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softuris/pseuds/softuris
Summary: He has said it before. Richie loves Eddie simply because he is him. Eddie is just, well, Eddie. Richie loved how Eddie's hands fit perfectly with his, he loved how soft Eddie's hair is, he loved the late night conversations the two of them had, he loved when Eddie would ask him for piggy back rides if his feet got tired while walking, he loved Eddie's laugh and voice, he loved how kind and caring Eddie is, he loved how careful he is and how he would freak out if any one of the losers got hurt. Richie loved Eddie in his whole entirety. And he has told him so many more times than he can count on every hand of the losers. So what made Eddie ask that kind of question?(or Richie Tozier loves Eddie Kaspbrak, but Eddie Kaspbrak doesn't love himself.)





	1. Calling You

It was a little past four in the morning when Richie was startled from his sleep by his phone ringing obnoxiously loud in his room. He groaned loudly and blindly reached over to retrieve it from his bedside table. "Hello?" He groggily mumbled, not even caring to open his eyes.

"Rich?" Came Eddie's voice from the other line, sounding strained. Richie sat up, suddenly more alert at the sound of Eddie's distraught voice. "Richie, I-I need to talk to you." Eddie spoke up again. "Are you okay? What's wrong?" Richie asked concerned. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and kept quiet, waiting for Eddie's reply.

On the other line, Richie heard Eddie choke out a sob. "Eddie? Baby, why are you crying?" Richie asked. "Why do you stay with me, Rich?" Eddie finally asked.

"What? What do you mean?" Richie inquired. What was Eddie saying? Why was he asking that?

"I mean - Why do you love me?" Eddie clarified. Richie felt his heart picking up in speed at his answer. "Eddie, what's going on?" Richie questioned. They were just fine yesterday, they had a great time at the movies and even got ice cream after. Eddie was happy. So what brought it on for Eddie to suddenly question Richie's love for him? Certainly Eddie knew full well how much Richie loved him and cared for him. He had to, didn't he? Richie did so much for Eddie to make sure that Eddie never once doubted how much Richie loves him - and why he loves him.

He has said it before. Richie loves Eddie simply because he is him. Eddie is just, well, Eddie. Richie loved how Eddie's hands fit perfectly with his, he loved how soft Eddie's hair is, he loved the late night conversations the two of them had, he loved when Eddie would ask him for piggy back rides if his feet got tired while walking, he loved Eddie's laugh and voice, he loved how kind and caring Eddie is, he loved how careful he is and how he would freak out if any one of the losers got hurt. Richie loved Eddie in his whole entirety. And he has told him so many more times than he can count on every hand of the losers. So what made Eddie ask that kind of question?

"I'm terrible, Richie. I'm such a bad person, you need someone who's better for you." Eddie said, his voice cracking in between. "Bullshit. That's not true, Eddie." Richie countered. "Yes it is!" Eddie suddenly yelled. 

Richie flinched at the sudden change in tone and volume, "I'm coming over." He stated and hung up before Eddie could answer.


	2. Should Be Loved

Eddie sat on his bed and stared at his window, waiting for Richie to show up. He was dreading it, He really was. He didn't want Richie to come over, but he knew he couldn't argue with him about that. Richie would just show up anyway. 

Eddie was biting at his nails and thinking about what's going to happen. He jumped at the sudden knock on his window, the secret knock him and Richie made up in case either of them show up unannounced at the other's house. He stood up and walked to pull open his curtains, he unlocked his window and Richie slid it up and climbed into Eddie's room. 

Eddie moved to sit on his bed, not even wanting to look at Richie. "So what brought all of this on?" Richie pushed, sitting next to Eddie. 

"You shouldn't have come over." Eddie mumbled. Richie sighed, "That doesn't answer my question." 

"I don't have to answer your question. Please just go." Eddie hissed. Richie felt a stab in his chest at his words. Had he done something wrong? Did Eddie find someone new and he just didn't want to tell Richie directly? 

"Eddie, please just talk to me. Tell me what's on your mind." Richie begged. He needed answers, he needed to know what happened and what is going on in Eddie's mind to make him act this way. 

Eddie sighed, "I'm not happy." 

"With me?" Richie pushed on. Eddie shook his head, "It's entirely like that." He replied. 

"Please elaborate, Eddie. I thought we were both happy." Richie begged, he was scared to death. Eddie kept his gaze on his hands and didn't bother looking up at Richie. He didn't want to see the sadness covering his features.

"I just - I'm not, okay? Maybe you were too caught up in your own happiness to notice mine faltering." Eddie sneered. 

Ouch, Richie thought, that stings. 

"What the hell do you mean by that?" Richie demanded, he couldn't help but get a little mad.

"Nothing, Richie. Just go home, please." Eddie answered. Richie stood up, "Eddie, come on. Something is bugging you and making you act a little off. We can fix this." He said.

Eddie shook his head, "We can't fix it." 

"And why do you say that? Richie demanded again, "Damn it Eddie, look at me." He continued. 

Eddie still didn't look up at him. "I think we should break up." 

Richie felt his whole body freeze. "You don't mean that." He hoped. "Please tell me you don't mean that." He begged. 

"I meant what I said." Eddie snapped. "Eddie.. Look at me, please. I love you." Richie cried.

Eddie finally looked up at him, "You shouldn't." 

Richie stared brokenly at the boy he loves so much in front of him, with tears glistening in his eyes. "I love you more than anything in this goddamn world, Eddie." Richie croaked. 

"You shouldn't, okay? I'm terrible, I'm a fucking piece of shit." Eddie jabbed, anger continuing to build spread inside of him like a forest fire. 

"Don't you dare say that." Richie pleaded. He hated hearing this from Eddie. "Well it's true!" Eddie suddenly raised his voice, just like he did over the phone. "Please don't yell, your mom will hear us Eds." Richie pointed out, trying to calm Eddie. 

"I don't give a shit if she hears us! You shouldn't be here, Richie!" Eddie shouted. 

"Eds, please.." Richie cried, tears now starting to fall. "Don't fucking call me that." Eddie spat. 

"We were happy yesterday, we were perfectly fine. I don't know what went wrong, you're not giving me answers." Richie argued. 

Eddie stood and glared at Richie, "I don't need to clarify why I shouldn't be with you." 

"Yes you do! You can't just leave me hanging thinking it's all my fault." Richie raised his voice now. "Is it the people who give us shit for being gay? Is that what brought this on? Bill and Stan got through it, Eddie. They don't give a shit about what people say. We can be like that." He urged. 

"We aren't them, Richie!" Eddie glowered. "We can't fucking fix what's going on with me, okay? I'm fucked up and I fuck things up. I've warned you before, you didn't listen to me. This has all been building up and you haven't even noticed but now when it all comes out, you suddenly wanna play the care card and try and 'fix' me?" He finished with a harsh stare trained on Richie.

"I love you, that's why I wanna fix this!" Richie yelled. "I hate myself, Richie. Tell me how we can fix that. We can't. I don't need to be fixed, I'm me. I've been like this my whole life." Eddie said. 

"This isn't fair, Eds." Richie cries, his tears falling rapidly. "Just go home, Richie! Go home, don't look back, and just hate me! Do yourself a favor." Eddie bellowed. 

"How is that doing myself a fucking favor?" Richie demanded to know.

Eddie stared at him coldly, "I'm a terrible person, Richie. I'm not good for you, I'll only hurt you. I'm a piece of shit and you should leave." Eddie stated, staring into Richie's eyes as he said each word. 

"That's not true, that's not what I see!" Richie begged, his chest aching. "It's what I see! Just go, Richie!" Eddie shouted. 

Richie opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by another voice coming down the hallway, "Who are you yelling at, Eddie Bear?" Came Mrs. K's voice. Richie's eyes widened and he looked for the quickest place to hide, but it was too late. The bedroom door opened and there stood Mrs. K staring at Eddie and Richie. 

"What is he doing here, Edward? Did you sneak him in?" Mrs. K asked rudely. "No, ma. He showed up by himself and let himself in. He won't leave." Eddie replied, keeping his eyes on Richie. 

Richie's mouth dropped slightly and he stared at Eddie with a look of pure heartbreak. "Eds-" He began. "Get out of my house, Richard!" Mrs. K yelled, "I'll call the police." She threatened. Richie kept staring at Eddie, feeling truly betrayed. Was this really the end?

H opened his mouth to speak again, but Eddie cut him off. "Go." He commanded. 

Richie wiped his cheeks and gave Eddie one last look before pushing past him and Mrs. K and heading downstairs to the front door. He looked behind him and saw the cold stare Mrs. K was supplying his way.

Richie opened the door and headed out into the early morning air. He suddenly realized how cold it was outside. On his way here, he was warm with worry. But now he is cold with sadness as he walks away from Eddie's house with a heavy heart. He looked towards Eddie's window and saw Eddie watching him before he closed his curtains. 

Richie walked for a few blocks, before he couldn't walk anymore and had to stop and sit. He sat on a curb and sobbed into his hands, unable to hold it in anymore. 

So this was it.


	3. Where Do I Go?

Eddie laid on his bed and stared at the ceiling. It was seven in the morning now and he hasn't slept yet. Richie left at five and Eddie has been thinking about their argument ever since. 

Maybe he had been a little too harsh. He originally wasn't going to be that harsh, he wanted to talk. But his anger and self-hatred has been building up for so long so he just let everything come out at once. 

Eddie couldn't get the image of Richie crying out of his head. Sure, he had seen Richie cry before. He's seen him cry because of his parents, or because of Henry and his friends, but never once because of Eddie. He couldn't lie, he felt bad. But he wanted Richie to hate him. He didn't want Richie to love him. Richie was too sweet, and Eddie was terrified to hurt him. Richie needed someone better, he needed someone who was confident and loved who they were so they could love Richie just as much. When you don't love yourself, it's hard to love someone else with all of your being. 

Eddie does love Richie, he does. But since he doesn't love himself, he can't fully put forth his whole heart. He doesn't know how to. He wishes he did, but he knows it would take a while. So he had to let Richie go. He needs to let him go so Richie can find someone new and amazing, someone way better than Eddie. Eddie knew he wasn't much and he knew other people saw that too. He knew people would look at Richie and him and wonder why the hell Richie would ever want to be with someone like Eddie. It hurt Eddie to think about it. 

He laid in his bed and thought of the happier moments. When he actually felt happy and there wasn't that dull feeling in the back of his mind, like an annoying headache that just won't go away. This was for the best, it was. It had to be. He needed Richie to hate him, he needed Richie to forget about him. 

Eddie finally fell asleep, but slept only two hours before his mom woke him up by shouting his name. "Eddie! Bill is here!" She called out. 

Eddie groaned and pulled himself up, trudging out of his room and down the stairs. Bill smiled at him when Eddie came into view. "H-Hey." He greeted. 

Eddie waved and went to stand out on the porch for more privacy from his mother, shutting the door behind him. Eddie saw Stan, Bev, and Ben sitting on their bikes on the sidewalk. They smiled and greeted Eddie happily. But he couldn't return the happiness.

"Y-You look l-l-like you haven't slept." Bill pointed out. 

"I got two hours." Eddie replied. "W-Why?" Bill asked confused. 

"Just couldn't get comfortable." Eddie only half lied. It wasn't entirely a lie, he couldn't get comfortable with himself. 

"We were wondering if you and Richie wanted to come to the quarry with us. Mike is gonna come too." Bev informed him. "Oh. I don't know if I can make it." Eddie lied. "Richie would probably want to though. You should ask him." He finished. 

"Is Richie not here?" Stan asked. Eddie shook his head, and the others all looked at each other confused. "H-He wasn't home." Bill stated. 

Did Richie not go home last night? Where did he go? Was he even okay? All of those questions floated around Eddie's mind. "Have you checked the arcade?" Eddie asked. 

"That was the second place we checked before we came here." Ben replied. 

Eddie couldn't help the worry that he felt, where the hell was Richie?


	4. I Can't Handle Change

Richie sat alone at a spot none of the others losers knew about. It was his spot to get away when things became too much. He didn't go home after he left Eddie's, he didn't want to. He wanted to be totally alone. Sure, his parents ignore him often enough that he feels like he's not even visible to them but he wanted total isolation. 

Richie found this spot one day while running from Henry and his goons, he ran for quite a while but finally got away. This spot was a little bit outside of Derry, it was peaceful. It had a pretty nice view too. 

Thoughts of Eddie came into Richie's mind and he felt his eyes welling up with tears again. What was wrong with him? Surely he was the reason Eddie didn't want to be together anymore. No matter what Eddie said, Richie still felt like everything was his fault. That's how he is. His whole life his parents told him things were his fault, that he was the reason bad things happened. When they would argue, they would point fingers at him and drag him into it just to put the blame on him. He didn't understand as a kid but now that he's 17, he thinks that maybe it is him. He started to believe it is. There wasn't anyone telling him different. 

Richie reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out his cigarettes - Eddie hates it when he smokes - and found it empty. Had he really smoked a whole pack in a day? Jeez, he didn't even notice. He cursed under his breath and tossed the empty pack off the edge of the cliff, watching it get taken by the wind. 

The thing with Richie is that when things get bad, he isolates himself. He just doesn't want to be around people. He'll lock himself away so nobody bothers him, he just thinks it's best that way. This time, Richie knew it would be longer than the past times. He loved Eddie more than he would ever love anybody else. He was in love with him since he was 13, for fucks sake. They were together since they were 15. And suddenly Eddie wants to flip it all around and say everything is going wrong. 

Richie knew Eddie probably just got tired of him. 

Richie sat and looked out off the cliff edge, the sun would be setting soon but he didn't want to go home. Was anyone even worried about him? Probably not. 

It was quiet here, almost too quiet for Richie's liking at the moment. Usually he finds it peaceful, but right not it's almost suffocating. He was left alone with his mind. Everything he thought about revolved around Eddie right now. He couldn't stop it if he tried. 

Richie felt tears start to roll down his cheeks, a lot at that. The main issue with Richie is that he can't handle change. He just can't. He thinks he won't ever be able to. But, this change, this one was the worst of all. When Eddie said they should break up, Richie felt like he couldn't breathe. His whole body just went into shock. And when Eddie told his mom that Richie just showed up and let himself in then wouldn't leave, he felt betrayed. The look in Eddie's eyes were cold, heartless. It was like he didn't care that he was hurting Richie. It was almost like he enjoyed it, like he wanted to see Richie crumble and fall. Just the other day, Eddie seemed so happy. He was smiling, laughing, he told Richie he loved him. Richie felt whole. But now that was gone, and Richie felt like he lost more than half of him. Because Eddie wasn't just a simple other half, no he was much more than that.

Sobs escaped Richie's throat and he brought his legs to his chest, resting his back against a tree. Why did this have to happen? Where did it all go wrong?

Richie let out the most heartbreaking cries, he fell onto his side and clutched on his jacket tightly while sobbing violently and loudly. Nobody would hear him, and if they did then they wouldn't care.


	5. Afraid

Eddie was afraid. He was afraid of a lot of things. He was afraid Richie was hurt, he was afraid of his mom finding out that he's gay, he was afraid of Henry and his friends. But most of all, he was afraid of being replaced. 

He didn't think he was anything special at all, he was just Eddie. He wasn't very interesting in his mind, and he felt like everyone else saw it that way too. He wishes he didn't.

Anytime he was with Richie, he couldn't get the thought of being replaced out of his head. He was scared that he would wake up and Richie would have found someone new, someone better. No matter how many times Richie told Eddie how much he loved him, or how special he was to him, Eddie still didn't feel secure. Something was still off in his mind. Certainly Richie was just with him to pass time, right? That's the way Eddie saw it. He tried not to, he really did, but he couldn't push all of those doubts out of his mind no matter how hard he tried. 

He knows Richie will move on quick, Richie can find anyone in seconds. That's another thing he was always afraid of. Richie was Richie, and Richie was amazing. So many people look at him in awe and want to be with him. Eddie didn't understand how he got him. And he really didn't understand how they lasted two years either. With Richie's ADHD, his attention span was so short and Eddie didn't understand how it stayed trained on him and their relationship for that long. 

When Eddie looks in the mirror, he hates what he sees. He sees so many things he wants to fix. But he knows he isn't able to. He's so afraid that everyone sees him how he sees himself. Richie always said he was handsome, that his eyes were a beautiful color, and that his height was adorable. But Eddie saw everything of the opposite. 

Richie always did his best to try and reassure him, but it just wouldn't work.

Here he was, laying on his bed and staring at the window. A small part of him hoped and prayed that he would hear Richie's familiar knock, but the bigger part is yelling at him for wishing that. He needs to let Richie go, he needs to not want Richie. It's what was best for them. Richie would find someone better and Eddie could be alone to try and slowly accept himself without anyone lying to him. 

A knock at Eddie's door caused him to jump, "Who is it?" He asked cautiously, he didn't really wanna talk to his mom right now. "It's Stan and Bill." Stan called from the other side of the closed door. 

Eddie got up and unlocked his door before opening it, "What's up?" He greeted with a small (fake) smile.

Stan and Bill came in, shutting the door behind them, and sat on Eddie's bed. "H-Have you heard from R-R-Richie yet?" Bill asked. Eddie shook his head.

"You don't have any idea where he would be?" Stan asked after. Eddie shook his head again. "You're his boyfriend and you don't know his hideouts?" Stan asked with slight sass. 

"Not his boyfriend." Eddie mumbled, looking down at his feet. "W-What?!" Bill exclaimed in shock. His and Stan's eyes were wide. 

"When did this happen?" Stan questioned. "The other day." Eddie mumbled again, his chest feeling tight at the memory. 

"Why? You guys seemed just fine." Stan said, his tone showing confusion. "I don't want to talk about it." Eddie replied, sitting on the chair in the corner of his room. Stan and Bill stared at him in shock and confusion, they couldn't believe that Eddie and Richie broke up. Bill remembers when the two got together finally and how ecstatic they both were. He had never seen them happier. 

"Was it m-m-mutual?" Bill suddenly brought up. Eddie lifted his head to glare at him, "I said I didn't want to talk about it. Leave it alone." 

Bill put his hands up in defense and turned to look at Stan for help. "Uh, well, let us know if you hear anything.." Stan spoke, getting up with Bill following. They let themselves out, saying goodbye but Eddie didn't reply.

He sat in the chair and stared at his hands, trying not to cry. He didn't know if Richie was okay, and he didn't want to know if he was hurt. But he knew that if something did happen, then the losers would tell him. No doubt. He also knew it would be his fault. He would be the one to blame. It was his fault Richie went missing anyway. He wasn't pointing fingers at anyone but himself. 

He was harsh to Richie, he knows. But he needed to be. He needed Richie to realize that Eddie isn't good for him. But seeing Richie cry, that broke Eddie. He hates himself for it.


	6. Hell Knows I'm Miserable

Richie sighed heavily before he raised his fist and knocked on the door in front of him. He was nervous, he can't lie. He stood and waited, fidgeting with his hands. The door opened and he looked up with a sheepish smile. 

Bev stood in front of him with wide eyes. They stared at each other for a few seconds before Bev broke it, "What the fuck, Richie?!" She yelled and punched his arm as hard as she could.

"Ow, shit, that hurt." Richie complained. "Good, you dumbass. Where the hell have you been? We've all been worried sick." She replied. "I've been out." Richie told her. 

"For 2 days? Without telling anyone where you were?" Bev questioned, with a death glare. "I'm sorry, Bev." He apologized. Bev shook her head, stepping aside to let Richie into the house. "Don't apologize to me, apologize to Eddie. He didn't even know where you were. You're his boyfriend, he's probably worried sick." She said while they walked into the living room. 

"Uh, about that.." Richie started, but was cut off when Ben stood from the couch and moved to hug Richie. "Thank god you're fine." He sighed in relief, pulling away from the hug. "Ben, careful, I know I'm fine but your girlfriend is right there." Richie joked. Ben and Bev both rolled their eyes, "Yeah, never mind I didn't miss you." Ben replied, sitting down again. 

"Now, what were you saying before Ben hugged you?" Bev asked, as her and Richie sat down as well. 

"Um.. Well, you see, Eddie and I aren't together anymore." Richie explained, the words sounding foreign coming from his mouth. Ben choked on his water and Bev went wide eyed, "What?!" Bev exclaimed. "You're joking." Ben said. 

Richie shook his head, "All jokes aside here, he broke up with me." Richie told them, looking down at his hands. "What the fuck?! Why?" Bev asked, both shocked and mad. 

"Chill, it's fine. I'm okay." Richie lied to try and calm Bev. "Why did he break up with you?" She asked again. 

"I don't exactly know. He called me super late and just kept saying how terrible he is. I went over to his house, and we got into a fight." Richie began. "He said he wants me to hate him and move on. Then his mom walked in, and Eddie told her I let myself in and wouldn't leave when Eddie told me to." He finished, feeling pain at the memory. 

"Eddie really lied to his mom of all people?" Ben wondered in shock. Richie nodded and tried to blink away his tears that were forming. "I don't get it, I thought we were happy. He told me he loved me the day before he broke up with me." Richie said, not able to stop the tears that fell. 

Bev immediately got up to sit next to him, wrapping her arms around him tightly. "It's okay, Rich.." She tried to assure him. Richie shook his head. "I don't know what I did. I thought I made him happy. My parents were right, I could never keep a decent relationship." Richie said, letting out a sob. 

"Don't say that, Richie. You did make him happy." Ben told him. "Then why didn't he wanna stay with me? If I really made him happy then he would've stayed with me." Richie argued. "He barely gave me a full reason on why." He cried. "I'm gonna kill him." Bev said, standing up. Richie quickly grabbed her arm and made her sit back down, "Please don't." He begged.

Bev sighed heavily, "I just wanna know why he would do this. He would always rant about how much he loved you." 

Richie shrugged, "It doesn't matter." He stood, "I'm gonna go home." 

"Rich-" Ben started but Richie cut him off, "I just want to be alone." He said. Richie started to walk towards the front door while Bev and Ben followed him. "You've been alone for 2 days." Bev pointed out. Richie turned around, "Maybe it should just be that way then."


	7. Slipping Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mike goes to school with them in this, okay? Okay. Warning for some violence in this one, I apologize in advance.

Richie stared at himself in the mirror and wonder what chased Eddie away. He can't help but think that it's his fault. He doesn't care if anybody says different, he feels like it is all his fault that Eddie didn't want to be with him. 

He figures he shouldn't care anymore, he should just numb himself. If he can't change things back to how they were, then what was the point of holding on? 

He sighed and looked away from the mirror, picking up his backpack and heading downstairs to leave for school. He walked with his head down and his hands in his pockets, lost deep in thought. He didn't really want to go to school today but he knew he had to. Plus, spring break was soon. So it's not that bad. 

"Richie!" He heard his name being called. He looked over and saw Mike's smiling face. Mike made his way over to him and wrapped him in a hug. "Where have you been?" He asked after they pulled away. Richie faked a smile, "Just been busy." He lied. 

They started walking to the usual meet up spot, the bike rack in the front of the school. But Richie stopped once he saw Eddie standing there laughing with Stan and Bill. His whole body froze up, he didn't want to go over there. Not at all. He couldn't, he just wasn't ready to talk to him again. Eddie looked over and froze when he and Richie made eye contact. They stared at each other with sorrowful eyes for a few moments, Eddie's smile falling off his face. Richie broke the eye contact and turned to look at Mike, "Actually, I'm gonna head to the library. Gonna work on my studies." He said as an excuse. 

Mike looked at him with raised eyebrows, "Coming back a changed man, are we now?" He joked before patting Richie on the shoulder. "I'll see you in 3rd period." He smiled, continuing to walk towards their friends. 

Richie looked at Eddie again, only to find him still staring at him. Richie's heart picked up its pace and he quickly turned away, speed walking to the school's entrance. Eddie's eyes followed him, a blank expression on his face. Stan looked over and followed where Eddie's eyes were. He sighed when he saw Richie pulling open the school doors, disappearing inside. Stan turned back to Eddie and found him still staring at the doors. "You good?" He whispered. Eddie looked over at him and shook his head, before walking quickly towards the school entrance. 

Eddie got into the empty hallways, seeing Richie walking quickly down the hall. Eddie sped up, trying to catch up with Richie. He had to talk to him, he really had to. He watched as Richie turned into the bathroom and Eddie stopped outside the door. He breathed deeply, he was terrified to walk in and be face to face with Richie but he knew he had to.

Slowly he pushed open the doors, stepping in cautiously. Richie froze when he saw Eddie behind him in his reflection. His blood ran cold and he didn't know what to do. They stared at each other through the reflection before Richie turned around and hurried towards the door. "Don't worry, I was just leaving." He rushed but Eddie grabbed his arm. "I wanna talk." He whispered. 

Richie stared at him dumbfounded for a moment before backing up. Both of them stood in silence, waiting to see who would talk first. Then, Eddie broke it. "How are you?" He asked.

Richie laughed, "Seriously, you're asking me that?" 

"I just want to know if you're okay, Rich. You just disappeared." Eddie replied. "Ask me if I'm okay, just ask." Richie said. "Are you?" Eddie asked. 

"No, of course I'm not fucking okay! You really think I would be? I lost the one person who made me okay!" Richie raised his voice. Eddie flinched and backed up to the wall more, he never liked it when Richie yelled. 

"I'm sorry.." Eddie whispered. "That's not gonna bring back my happiness." Richie said. Eddie raised his hands, "Well what do you want me to say?!" He asked exasperated. 

"I want you to say you wanna be with me!" Richie cried out, his emotions becoming overwhelming to keep inside. He stared at Eddie, waiting for him to answer but Eddie didn't say anything. Richie let out another laugh and shook his head, walking to the door. "So you're just gonna leave?" Eddie asked. 

Richie stopped in his tracks and quickly turned around again, "That's what you fucking wanted in the first place! You said you wanted me to leave, you said you wanted to be alone, and you fucking said you wanted me to hate you!" Richie yelled, inching closer to Eddie. "Do you hate me?" Eddie questioned. "It's not that easy to hate the one you're in love with." Richie replied. 

Eddie stared at him with sad eyes. "Don't give me that look. I'm doing what you wanted, remember?" Richie reminded him. "Do you even know what you did to me? You hurt me so fucking bad, Eddie. I barely know how to react." He rambled. 

Eddie stood there, taking in Richie's words in silence. "Are you gonna say anything?" Richie urged. Eddie stayed silent. "You're a coward." Richie laughed mockingly. 

"You're an asshole." Eddie hissed. "Oh really? I'm the asshole? Who all of a sudden threw a break up onto someone when everything was just fine then won't even tell them why?" Richie jabbed. 

"Everything wasn't fine and it hasn't been for a while!" Eddie raised his voice again. "How long, Eddie?! How long were you lying to me?" Richie yelled back in anger and sadness. "Just fuck off!" Eddie rebuked. 

Richie shook his head, "I don't understand you. You make me think this is all my fault, that I did everything wrong when all I did was care for you and try to make you happy." 

"If you cared so much about my happiness then you'd notice it going away." Eddie sneered. "Fuck you, Eddie. I can't stand you right now." Richie hissed. "Then why are you still here?!" Eddie challenged in anger. "To try and get reasons why! You left me with nothing!" Richie glowered. "I don't have to tell you!" Eddie shouted. Richie shoved Eddie, making him stumble back into the wall. "You're such a fucking coward." Richie said through gritted teeth. 

Eddie raised his hands up and shoved Richie away from him, "Get away from me."

"Last time I did what you said, you called me an asshole." Richie remarked, inching in on Eddie again. "Stop it, Richie." Eddie demanded.

Eddie was scared, he was terrified. He didn't want a full on fist fight with Richie and he knew he had a hard time controlling his anger. He was silently hoping and praying that Richie wouldn't actually hit him. Nobody was around to help Eddie. He may not be weak, but against Richie all sense of strength was gone. 

"No." Richie said lowly. "Your parents are right about you, all you do is cause trouble." Eddie snapped. He knows it was a low blow, but his anger was taking over and he couldn't stop the words that came from his mouth when his temper snapped. 

What Eddie didn't expect was Richie's fist to come down on his face, hitting him full force and knocking him off balance. "Don't fucking bring up my parents!" Richie yelled loudly, sending a kick to Eddie's stomach. Eddie cried out in pain, clutching his stomach with one hand while blocking his face with the other. "Stop it!" He cried out, hoping Richie would stop and just leave. But all Richie was seeing was red. He was beyond angry that Eddie brought up his parents to use against him. He never thought Eddie would do that. Richie got down on top of Eddie and sent another punch to his face, moving his hands that were blocking him out of the way. 

"Richie, stop!" Eddie begged, tears mixing with the blood on his face. "You're a coward! You're an asshole!" Richie yelled, going to hit Eddie again. Eddie braced himself for the hit but it didn't come. He only felt Richie's weight being taken off of him and people's voices yelling. 

"What the fuck are you doing?!" Stan yelled angrily. Eddie felt someone helping him up, but he couldn't see through his tears. His face was throbbing from the pain of Richie's hits. Eddie heard the yelling get muffled as a door shut. "Eddie, holy shit!" Bev exclaimed, he felt her arms wrap around him and he flinched. "Look at me, Eddie." Bev's voice soothed, her hands gently cupping his face. Eddie blinked the tears away and looked at Bev through semi-blurry eyes. 

He stared at her for a second before he broke down into sobs. Bev quickly pulled him in for a tight hug, rubbing his back in a comforting way. "It's going to be okay, Eddie." She soothed. Hearing Eddie crying this hard was breaking her heart entirely, she didn't like hearing it at all. She moved Eddie towards the wall and slid down it with him so they were sitting on the floor. Eddie was sobbing into her shoulder and clutching onto her shirt. "I hate myself, Bev. This is all my fault and I hate it." He cried. Bev shook her head, "No, no. It's not your fault at all." She countered. 

"I hurt him first. I said fucked up things." Eddie sobbed, he wishes none of this ever happened. 

The bathroom door opened and Eddie looked up as Richie emerged from inside with an angry Bill, Stan, Ben, and Mike hot on his tail. Richie and Eddie made eye contact again and Eddie noticed his tears and red eyes. Richie stared at Eddie and took in the blood, tears, and forming bruises on his face. He regretted it, he really did. But he knew he is never able to take it back. Richie felt more tears fall from his eyes before he turned away and stormed off down the hall. 

Other students in the hall were staring at them all with wide eyes, trying to figure out what went on. It was almost time for first period. 

"Eddie, I'm so sorry this happened. I should've came with you." Stan apologized. Eddie shook his head, "It's not your fault."

Eddie stood up, with the help of Bill and Mike, and looked at his friends. "I'm going home." He announced with a hoarse voice. The others didn't question it, they only nodded and watched as Eddie disappeared down the hallway.


	8. Sleep Through Your Alarms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm contemplating if I want this story to have a happy ending or not. Any opinions? Also, this chapter isn't very good. I apologize.

The next day at school, people stared at Eddie as he walked down the halls with a bruised face. He kept his head down as much as he could in order to avoid the stares. He didn't like all the attention at all, his mom freaked out enough about it. 

Eddie stopped outside his first period class, scared to go in. Richie had this class with him. While it was great having class with one another while still together, it was the worst case scenario now. Eddie really didn't want to go in there. He didn't want to be around Richie, he didn't want to talk to Richie, and he didn't want to see Richie. Not right now. 

Eddie sighed and walked in slowly, keeping his head down. He walked quickly to his desk and sat down, finally looking up. It was then he noticed the desk in front of him was empty. So, Richie wasn't here yet. Good. Eddie felt a sense of relief, and he hoped Richie wouldn't show today at all. They also have fourth and sixth together as well. Eddie was dreading it. 

The bell rang for class to begin and Richie still didn't show, Eddie felt a weight being lifted with each minute that passed. 

Richie woke up at noon and realized he slept through his alarm. He couldn't find the want to care, it really didn't matter to him if he missed school. He didn't want to go anyway, and his parents certainly wouldn't care at all either. 

He rolled over onto his side and stared at the wall blankly, he really hated what he did. 

He hates himself for it. He wishes he could take it back, to rewind everything and erase that whole issue but there was no way he could ever do that. Richie knew the others were more than likely still pissed at him and he couldn't blame them. He deserved every ounce of hate and anger that was thrown his way. 

Richie's thoughts drifted to Eddie and he felt like shit when he thought back to how Eddie looked. He felt an ache in his chest when he thought about the tears streaming down his face and mixing with the blood from his nose and mouth. His ears rang as he remembered the way Eddie was begging for him to stop, trying to block Richie's hits and throw him off of him. Tears fell down Richie's cheeks as he let out a choked sob. His eyes landed on a picture of him and Eddie pinned to his wall, it was a picture Ben took with his Polaroid. The photo captured a moment Richie would never forget, it was the day they first got together. Ben took the picture right after Richie asked Eddie out, the two of them hugging tightly and smiling widely. 

Richie couldn't look at it anymore so he rolled over and stared at the ceiling instead. He watched his fan as it spun around and around, in a repetitive motion that it wasn't able to control. It resembled him, slightly. He was stuck in a repetitive motion of feeling like shit and not being able to control it. 

He just wishes things were back to how they were before, when everything was happier and there was laughter instead of tears. He closed his eyes and tried to stop his tears, but was seemingly impossible. 

For the rest of the week, Richie didn't show up at school. The others, although pissed at him, were still worried and wondering if he was alright. Even Eddie was, no matter how much he hated himself for it. 

He shouldn't be worried, he should hate Richie. He should be glad he wasn't around. But he couldn't. He tried so hard to hate Richie but it was like it was physically impossible to. It was almost like a force just pulled him right back to where they started, with Eddie in love with Richie and not being able to help it or do anything about it.

Richie kept sleeping through his alarms, but he didn't care and he didn't try to do anything to stop it. He just let it happen. The school had called the house, but nobody answered. They had left a message, but Richie was the only one who heard it. His parents weren't home, and they haven't been for a few days. Richie didn't know where they were, and again, he didn't care. It's not like they cared about him in the slightest, so why should he show any worry for them?

It should be alarming with how Richie seemed to stop caring about everything all at once, but there was always one thing (or person) that he will always care for deep in his heart.


	9. Private Fears In Public Places

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slight trigger warning, possibly??

Richie returned to school the next week, walking through the doors while keeping his head down. He didn't want to see anyone's stares towards him, he knew he looked horrible. When he wasn't sleeping, he was laying awake and staring into nothing while wishing he could retract everything that happened between him and Eddie. It was a reoccurring thought for him, to wish he could fix everything between him and Eddie. He wishes he could take away all of the bad and replace it with only good.

Richie walked into his first period class only to see his usual seat was taken. A boy he had never seen before was sitting there, looking through a notebook. Who was he? Richie sighed and looked around for an open seat, the only ones belonging to Victor Criss and a vacant seat next to the one and only Eddie Kaspbrak. Richie didn't feel like taking Victor's seat, as he wasn't feeling up to a beating at lunch or after school. So he settled for the only other option. 

He took the seat next to Eddie reluctantly, clearly seeing Eddie tense up next to him. Richie felt like shit. 

He slowly unpacked the items he needed for class, careful not to bump arms with Eddie. He made sure to scoot his chair as far away from Eddie's space as he could. But that didn't solve the tension in the air. 

The starting bell rang and their teacher began talking, but Richie couldn't pay attention. All that was on his mind was Eddie. Eddie was sitting right next to him, this was the closest they've been in a few long days. The one person he loved the most in this world was directly next to him, but he couldn't talk to him. He knew Eddie wouldn't want to talk to him. He knew Eddie didn't want anything to do with him anymore. And it hurt. 

It hurt Richie so goddamn much, he constantly felt like he had a heavy weight on his shoulders and chest. It felt like it was dragging him down and he couldn't get it away no matter how hard he tried. He would try to shake it off and move on, try to be happy, but all his mind would do is remind him of Eddie and he knew it wasn't any use. Richie was in pain from this. But he knew Eddie was too. Richie hurt him. Not only emotionally, but physically. And Richie hates himself for it. He hates himself so goddamn much that now he just lays in his bed and wonder why he was ever brought into this world if all he could do was cause people harm or disappoint them.

Most nights he wishes he wasn't even around anymore. Not just because Eddie left him, no. It was because he realized how truly horrible he was as a person. He realizes how shitty he is to the people he cares about. He doesn't mean to be but he can't help it and he can't stop it. Because he doesn't know how. He wishes he did.

Richie was snapped out of his thoughts by his teacher calling his name, gaining his attention. "Huh?" He replied, looking up to meet his teacher's gaze. 

"I said to pair up." She repeated herself. Richie nodded and it was only then he noticed Eddie moved to sit with the guy in Richie's seat. Richie looked around for anybody who didn't have a partner, having no choice but pair up with Victor. 

He hesitantly moved to sit next to him, at least Victor wasn't Henry or Patrick. 

Richie stared at Eddie from the back of the room, watching him talk with the new guy. He felt a pang of jealousy hit him as he stared at the two of them conversing. Eddie used to always be his partner. He was the only one Eddie would want to pair up with. But Richie ruined it all with Eddie. Because he was being a fucking idiot. 

Later in the day, it was lunch time. Eddie hadn't even glanced at Richie all day. 

Richie walked into the cafeteria, looking around for his friends and spotted them. He knew they might still be mad at him but he would rather sit with them glaring at him in between conversations instead of being alone. 

As he got closer to their table, he noticed something different. That guy from their first period was there. In Richie's usual spot. Right next to Eddie. 

The losers were laughing and talking to him, all having a good time. Without Richie. Not to mention, Eddie was sitting way too close to that new guy for Richie's liking. But he shouldn't be mad, right? Him and Eddie broke up. They were single, Richie had fucked up a chance with Eddie again. 

But that didn't stop the anger Richie felt. With the anger came sadness. Sadness at the fact Eddie was moving on so soon, sadness with how he was slowly replacing Richie in every way. Richie is terrified of being replaced, he's so scared that his friends will see how shitty he is and just leave. And that seemed to be happening now. 

He felt panic rising in his system, tears building up in his eyes and getting ready to spill over at any given moment. Richie made eye contact with Bev briefly while he stood in the same spot staring at their table. Her smile dropped and before she could fully react, Richie turned away and hurried out of the cafeteria. He rushed through the crowds of other students, pushing through as quick as he could. Bev got up from the table and quickly went after him, not giving an explanation for her sudden leave. The others looked at each other in confusion, wondering why she suddenly scurried off. 

"Rich!" Bev yelled for him when she rushed into the halfway empty hallways. Richie didn't turn around, he only quickened his pace to a full run and bolted out of the school doors.

Richie ran home with not only a heavy weight of guilt from the breakup on him, but with the heavy weight of sadness from being replaced. His biggest fear.


	10. Everything That Hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof i'm so sorry that i'm soooo late on updating this. i've been so stumped on it. but hello, i'm back on this.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING!! ABUSE AND SELF HARM! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. PLEASE BE CAREFUL.

Richie sat on his bedroom floor with his back against the wall, his hands were shaking and his knuckles were bleeding and bruised. There was a blood stain on the wall from where his knuckles repeatedly hit there. His breathing was shaky and scattered, his eyes red and glossy.

His eyes moved to scan over the broken glass scattered across his bedroom floor, from his mother coming in like a drunken storm and screaming at him before throwing her empty bottle of Jack Daniels his way. He dodged the hit just barely, but in no way could he dodge the harsh words she threw his way. He let out a shaky breath and leaned his head against the wall, staring at his ceiling and wishing his life was different. 

Harsh and loud knocking on his bedroom door tore him from his daydream, his father barged in abruptly and stopped when he saw the mess on Richie's floor. "What the fuck is this mess, Richard?!" He demanded, clenching his fists at his sides. Richie quickly stood up, stumbling a little, and looked at his father. "Mom did it, she came in and threw a bottle. I was gonna clean it, I swear." Richie rambled in defense. His father scowled at him and inched closer, Richie backing away on instinct in fear. 

"Don't you dare blame your mother for your fuck ups." Wentworth hissed. Richie swallowed thickly, "But I-" He started, but got cut off when the back of his father's hand met with his cheek. Richie fell backwards from the impact and looked up at his dad in fear and regret. "Didn't we discuss you not talking back to me?" Wentworth scolded, standing above Richie ready to strike again. 

"I-I'm sorry." Richie stuttered out. Wentworth glared down at him in anger and disgust. "Clean it. Now." He snapped.

Richie nodded, and Wentworth turned to leave - after sending a swift kick to Richie's ribs. 

Richie let out quiet cries while he cleaned up the broken glass, praying his parents couldn't hear his cries.

The next morning, Richie woke up to the sound of his dad's voice yelling his name angrily. He reluctantly got up and headed down the stairs to where the voice was coming from. When he entered the kitchen, he noticed the mess on the floor and counters. His mother must have dropped bottles while drunk again. 

"Why is this mess here?" Wentworth asked harshly. Richie shrugged, not looking at his father. "Clean it up." His dad told him, turning to leave the room. "I didn't do it. Why should I?" Richie replied before he could stop himself. Wentworth stopped in his tracks and turned around sharply, stomping his way towards Richie. "What the fuck did you say to me?" He threatened. 

Richie tried to back away but his dad only grabbed his wrist, clutching tightly with an iron like grip. Richie to try and pry his dad's hands off with his, but failed. Wentworth raised his free hand and let his closed fist smash against Richie's face, knocking his glasses off in the process. 

Richie pushed his dad away and tried to escape, but only got shoved to the ground - landing right on the shattered glass. He hissed in pain and made a move to get up but got stopped by Wentworth's foot sending a harsh kick to his ribs like the night before. His dad kept kicking in the same spot, each time it would burn more and more. Richie felt tears fall from his eyes as he tried to move away from the impact, the glass cutting the palms of his hands. 

Wentworth leaned down and pressed his hand against Richie's head, pressing the side of his face onto the glass shards. The glass cut the side of Richie's face as his dad pressed down harder. Richie screamed out in pain, begging his dad to stop. A sick smile made its way on Wentworth's face as Richie tried to get away. 

Finally Richie brought his hands to his dad's arm and dug his nails into the skin, making Wentworth hiss and pull away. Richie scurried up and bolted to the bathroom quickly. He knew he would suffer worse consequences later but he didn't really care at the moment. He had to get away from that. 

He stared at his reflection in horror, the blood dripping down his face from the wounds and the dark bruise forming on his cheekbone decorated his face. He looked hideous. He hates being here, he hates this stupid house and he hates his stupid life. He can't stand any of it. He doesn't know how much more he can take. 

Richie pulled open a drawer and grabbed one of his dad's unused razors and broke it so the blade was free. He threw the now useless razor away and sat on the floor with his back to the edge of the tub. He stared at the blade in his hands before bringing it down to his wrist and pressing. He bit his lip until he tasted blood while he dragged the blade across his skin, seeing the red bubbles appear from the wound. 

He continued the process until he couldn't bring himself to do it anymore. He dropped the blade and sobbed into his hands, blood on his clothing and pain in his heart.


	11. Lately I Haven't Been Sleeping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning; some anxiety. (just in case)

Eddie tossed and turned, trying to will his body to sleep, but it was no use. He had been trying for hours, but his mind would not allow him to sleep. He had a feeling in his gut that something was wrong, and his brain was screaming at him to figure it out. 

He sighed heavily and turned over to stare out at the moon shining brightly in the dark night sky. His mind drifted to the times when him and Richie would lay on the roof and star gaze while Richie would spew random astronomy facts to Eddie, since it had always been an interest of theirs. He remembered when Richie convinced him to sneak out once, and they took Maggie's car to the outskirts of Derry just so they could watch the meteor shower. Eddie suddenly realized what he was thinking of and mentally scolded himself. He would not think of Richie Tozier. Nope. Not anymore.

But he did miss him. And his hugs, his jokes, his stupid obnoxious laugh, his voice when he just woke up, and- no. No, no, no. Eddie was NOT thinking of those things. He did NOT miss those things. There was no way he did. Not after what happened. Even if his heart and mind screamed for Richie, Eddie's conscious knew better and tried to persuade him away from it. 

After everything, Eddie Kaspbrak was in love with Richie Tozier. And he hated himself for it. He tried so hard to distract himself away from all of those thoughts, but it was never any use. Richie was like plague in his brain that he could never get rid of. He was always in the back of Eddie's mind no matter how hard he tried to get him out. And right now, he was worried about him. 

He didn't know why, but he felt worried. He felt like something was wrong. It was scaring him. He hadn't even talked to Richie since that... day. He didn't like to even think of it. He wanted to forget about it. Eddie sat up and furrowed his eyebrows. Why was he so worried? Why did it feel like something was wrong? He looked over at the clock and noticed it was 3 am. Richie was probably still awake right now, the fucker hardly sleeps when he should be. 

Eddie sat there conflicted while arguing with himself in his mind. Should he sneak out and head to Richie's? No, no. He shouldn't. He shouldn't talk to Richie. He knew it was wrong to. But what if Richie was hurt? What if he needed someone there but couldn't bring himself to call for help since he was literally a brick wall and kept everything inside? No, Eddie thought, he's okay. There's nothing wrong. 

Eddie kept repeating to himself - there's nothing wrong, he's okay - until he fell into a restless and dreamless sleep. 

When Eddie awoke the next day, the feeling of something being wrong was nothing but a dull thought in the back of his head. Richie was okay. Everything was fine. But once he was at school and in his first period, Richie wasn't there. And the feeling came sinking back in. 

Eddie felt his anxiety rise and he began getting fidgety in his seat. The new boy - Ryan - took notice and turned to ask Eddie if he was alright. He gave a stiff nod and tried to distract himself to ease his mind. What if Richie was actually hurt? 

As soon as the bell rang for class to be over, Eddie rushed out in a hurry and sped down the halls and into the bathroom. He felt sick to his stomach, his anxiety levels were sky rocketing now. He paced back and forth in the empty space and ran his fingers through his hair while tears ran down his face. 

The door creaked open but Eddie didn't care, until he heard a familiar voice asking if he was alright. Ben. 

Eddie turned around and stared at Ben helplessly and could not bring himself to form words through his panic. "Eddie, what's going on?" Ben asked worriedly, resting a comforting hand on Eddie's shoulder. "R-Richie." Was all Eddie could choke out. He felt Ben tense up, "Did he say something to you?" Ben asked, ready to hunt Richie down if needed. Eddie shook his head. "Did he hurt you again?" Ben questioned, again getting a shake of the head in response. Ben furrowed his brows, "Then what about him? What happened?" 

"Scared." Eddie breathed out, hands shaking. "Of Richie?" Ben asked. Eddie shook his head again, "F-For him." Ben's face fell into one of sympathy and sorrow. "I'm sure he's okay, Eddie." He tried to soothe the shaky boy in front of him. 

"I f-feel like something is w-wrong.." Eddie explained quietly. Ben pulled him into a hug, "It's going to be okay. Richie is fine." 

Eddie tried so hard to believe it, but something in him was screaming the exact opposite.


	12. Drag You In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning; self harm.

That night Eddie tried to get himself to sleep, but once again something was screaming at him to go to Richie. He tried to push it away and kept repeating like a broken record that Richie was okay, he was fine. His mind thought differently. 

He had enough of it, finally, and got out of bed. He put on his shoes quickly and grabbed a hoodie - Richie's old hoodie - and climbed out of his window carefully. Eddie didn't even think to grab his bike, his feet just carried him on their own. He ran down the dark wet streets of Derry with Richie and only Richie on his mind. 

When he made it to the Tozier's household, he noticed no cars were in the driveway. Both Maggie and Wentworth were gone. He debated on ringing the doorbell or just climbing up to Richie's window and decided on the latter. It would be quicker anyway, and all he needed was some clarity. 

Eddie grabbed the ladder that they always kept hidden in the bushes and set it up against the house. He climbed up carefully and settled himself on the roof outside of Richie's window. He shivered from the cold air and peered inside since the curtains were open. The sight he saw made his blood run cold and his body freeze up more than the cold fall air could manage. His mouth dried up and he quickly moved his hands to open the window - and thankfully it was unlocked.

He yanked it up and scrambled inside, knocking things off of Richie's desk in the process. But it made no difference in the mess of Richie's room. 

"Richie!" He yelled, rushing to Richie's side. Richie's head shot up and his eyes were as wide as saucers. "Eddie? W-What are you doing here?" He panicked. Eddie knelt down and tried to pry the blade from Richie's hands. "Stop!" Richie yelled, pushing Eddie away. "Richie, give me it!" Eddie yelled back. 

Richie scooted away from him on the floor, "Leave me alone!" He bellowed. Eddie moved towards him and Richie pressed the blade to his thigh again, dragging it across and hissing in pain. "NO!" Eddie screamed and threw himself towards Richie. He got a hold of the blade and yanked it out of Richie's hands, throwing it away from the two of them. "Why would you do that? Why are you here?!" Richie sobbed, hitting his fists weakly against Eddie's chest. 

Eddie grabbed his hands gently and dragged Richie into his embrace, not caring about the blood getting on his clothes. Richie tried to protest and push himself away from Eddie but he eventually gave up and slumped against Eddie's body limply. Richie felt Eddie's own tears falling onto his hair and shoulder and looked up at him, "Why are you crying?" He whispered. "I'm so sorry." Eddie answered, clutching onto Richie for dear life. 

"Richie, I'm so sorry." Eddie said again, letting out a sob. "It's not your fault. It's mine." Richie told him quietly. Eddie shook his head, "No, don't say that. It was never your fault." 

"Then why did you make me feel like it was?" Richie asked, staring at Eddie with red and puffy eyes. It was then Eddie noticed the bruises and healing wounds on his face. The sight of it made Eddie's heart clench tightly in regret and guilt. 

"I was scared. I hate myself, Richie. I hate myself and I thought that because of that, I can't love you fully like you deserve because there is always something bothering me with myself." Eddie started, swallowing thickly. "I didn't want to hurt you if I started acting up because of my dumb mind. I didn't want to upset you with my stupid self-doubt. I didn't know what to do, so I decided to break up with you. And i regret it so much, Richie. Even after what happened. I miss you. And I want it all back to normal. I'm so fucking sorry." He cried. 

Richie tightened his grip onto Eddie and pulled him closer, if that was even possible, and shut his eyes. "I love you." He whispered. "I love you, too." Eddie replied. And he meant it. 

"Let's clean you up." Eddie smiled sadly, helping Richie up and leading him to the bathroom - making sure he flushed the blade and any traces of other ones.


	13. Keep This Place Beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not the ending I was planning but I wanted a happier note. This chapter sucks, but oh well. Maybe I'll edit it soon and make it better. But here ya go.

It had been a few months since everything that happened, and things were finally all back in place. It had taken a while, Richie and Eddie had a lot to patch up but they worked through it. They did everything they could to do so. 

The others stayed by their sides for everything, helping them through the rough patches that would come along. Beverly and her aunt even allowed Richie to move in with them, so he was away from the shit hole he could never call home. He was happier. He finally felt wanted somewhere. And Bev's aunt treats him just like her own. He loves it there.

Eddie rolled over and bumped into the sleeping body next to him. He smiled and curled into Richie's warmth more. Richie moved and wrapped an arm around Eddie's body, which only made Eddie smile more. "I love you." Richie mumbled sleepily. "I love you more." Eddie replied. 

Richie shook his head and smiled lazily, "Not possible, Spaghetti." He said. Eddie rolled his eyes and leaned up to kiss Richie's cheek. Richie turned for an actual kiss but Eddie put a finger on his lips, "Not until you brush your teeth." He said with his nose crinkled. Richie groaned, "Come on." He whined with a pout. "You're not fair." He continued. 

"Smelling your morning breath is not fair." Eddie countered. Richie scoffed and placed a hand over his heart, "How could you? My own love has betrayed me!" He exclaimed dramatically. Eddie laughed and rolled his eyes at his dramatic boyfriend, "You are an idiot." He joked. 

Richie smiled at him and got up, disappearing into the bathroom only to emerge a few moments later with a large smile adorning his features. "I'm ready for my loving." He said and spread his arms open wide. "After I brush my teeth." Eddie told him, playfully smacking his chest. 

Richie sat patiently and waited for Eddie to finish brushing his teeth, messing with anything that caught his eyes. 

Eddie exited the bathroom a few minutes later and laid himself across Richie's torso from where he was laying on Eddie's bed. "Well hello." Richie smirked, looking down at his boyfriend. "Hi." Eddie smiled up at him. Richie wrapped his arms around Eddie and pulled him up, connecting their lips once Eddie was placed comfortably on top of Richie. 

Yeah, Eddie thinks, everything is okay.


End file.
